a harry potter fanfiction | expecto patronum

Lily had run away.

Not forever of course, she didn’t plan on being gone for longer than an hour or two. But she needed to get away. 

It began with the Defence Against the Dark Arts class that morning. Their teacher, Galatea Merrythought, had started the lesson by announcing that they would practise conjuring their own Patronus. Lily had nearly melted in her seat with excitement, she had been waiting for this for months. She knew it would be difficult, but she could already imagine the burst of light when the silvery-blue light danced from her wand.

What would her Patronus be, she wondered? A land animal? Some kind of bird? Or perhaps something that lived under water? She was buzzing with excitement as her class was stretched into a line, given instructions, and commanded to find a happy memory. Then her mind almost failed her—everything went blank. But she gathered herself together, fixed everything she had on the happiest moment she could think of, and screwed her eyes shut.

“Expecto Patronum,” was the fierce whisper that escaped her lips. 

There was a delighted gasp from the room around her, but Lily saw nothing. Then she remembered to open her eyes and took a step back in awe. 

In front of her, staring right into her soul with a flickering light, was the willowy body and graceful figure of a doe. Silvery light glimmered around it, coming from her wand. 

Lily breathed out lightly, careful not to disturb anything. She had forgotten the class around her, each student trying their own skill at the conjuring. Everything else seemed to blur out. She gently extended a hand as if it were a living, breathing animal. Her fingers lightly caressed the beams of magic and brilliance, making her smile.

It was a doe. Her Patronus was a doe.

Only then did she look up, her face alive with pride and wonder.

No one seemed to have noticed, her teacher was on the other side of the room assisting a younger student, and every classmates was either cursing at their wand or gazing at their own soul-animal. Her eyes caught four boys standing near the window, but each of their mouths were hanging open. Peter’s brow was furrowed, as though he were trying to solve a particularly difficult question on the habits of Bowtruckles. Remus was frozen, his eyes slanted sideways and fixed on James. Sirius looked like he was in the middle of a laugh, his forehead raised and mouth slightly open in disbelief. And—Lily froze.

James Potter.

His hand was stopped mid-way through his hair, dark eyes penetrated right through her. His jaw was dropped, she could see his own wand dangling precariously from his fingers. They stood, staring at each other, for what seemed like hours.

Then Madam Merrythought was near them again, calling to the students who couldn’t master the charm.

“Almost there, Adrian, concentrate! Yes, good, Maria, you’ve got it. There, wasn’t too difficult now, was it? James! James Potter, you’re not even trying!”

James turned, breaking the spell.

“No Professor, I mean, yes Professor.”

He glanced back at Lily, hesitating, and spoke again to the teacher.

“Can I show you after class is over? Alone?”

Merrythought frowned at the strange request. “If you feel it’s necessary.”

“Thank you, Professor.”

So he had waited, and Lily had lingered as long as she could, until the last of the students were just trickling out into the hallway, chorusing with excitement as they rushed to tell others what their own Patronus was. Finally Lily couldn’t wait any longer with being obvious. She slipped out the door, hesitating just outside. What did James have to show? Why couldn’t he attempt the spell with the others? It couldn’t be that embarrassing if he couldn’t do it, loads of students hadn’t mastered it in this lesson. But then she heard voices, and reined in her wondering thoughts to focus on what was being said. 

“I appreciate you staying late,” she heard James say.

Madam Merrythought humphed. “Well, what do you have to show me?”

There was a concentrated silence, then a soft whisper of “Expecto Patronum!” and she heard the teacher gasp.

“Lovely, Mr. Potter! A fully corporeal Patronus, look at that.”

Lily could almost hear the smile in her voice, and she pressed her shoulders to the wall to keep herself from peeking through the doorway.

Madam Merrythought was moving around, Lily heard heavy footsteps on the floor.

“I don’t understand why you needed to wait behind though, James,” she said.

“I have my reasons, Professor.”

Madam Merrythought grunted. “I’m sure you do, Mr. Potter, but I would like to hear what they are.”

James hesitated. “I’m not fully sure you would understand, but it was for the sake of keeping someone from embarrassment.”

“I do not understand, but if that is all you wish to say…?”

Another pause.

“It is, Professor.”

“Very well then. You may be excused. And well done!”

Lily couldn’t bear it any longer, she slowly shifted to take a quick glance into the room. What she saw was beautiful and frighting all at once. James was standing with his back to her, their Professor in front. His wand was hanging casually from his fingertips, and as she followed the stream of silver light, the almost-tangible shape of a stag entered her vision. His head was erected proudly, displaying high antlers and intelligent eyes. A flood of gleaming light surrounded him as he marched stately across the room. 

Lily pressed a hand to her mouth, but a choking sound managed to escape. She just caught sight of James’ surprised expression as he whirled to face her, and the stag disappeared. Not daring to face him, and feeling her cheeks flushing to match her hair, Lily spun around and darted down the hallway. 

She hadn’t stopped running until she reached the Forbidden Forest, well outside the castle. Then she had decided to run away, and here she was. Stunned, confused, and completely out of breath. Gripping her wand tightly in her hand, she held on to the thought that had composed her Patronus. The happiest memory she could think of. The one in which James had come to her the day she had received a particularly cruel letter from Petunia and assured her that he was there for her, that she wasn’t alone, that it wasn’t freakish to be magic. 

“Expecto Patronum.”

Her doe flourished from the tip of her wand, calming trotting the the outskirts of the forest and stretching her neck to graze. Lily stared at it for a moment, before turning her back in frustration.

What did it even mean? What did it mean that James’ Patronus was so similar to hers? Was it important? Did it point to something? 

The questions swirling in her mind were reaching the breaking point, she could feel torrents of confusion and uncertainty rising. Finally Lily whirled back to face her Patronus, flinging her wand towards it. The tip pierced through the beam of light and landed in the grass, the doe disappearing. Lily dropped to her knees and shut her eyes, running a hand through the grass to calm herself.

“You dropped this.”

Her eyes flickered open, focusing on the wand being offered to her. She follow the fingers up the arm, to the shoulder, and finally fastening on the face.

“James.”

He shrugged, smiling nervously.

She didn’t blame him, she herself had no idea of how to react. It was obvious that he had seen her spying on him, and she knew for certain that he saw her Patronus. 

“Thanks,” she mumbled, not knowing what else to say. Her hand moved up to grab the wand. 

“I saw you,” James said. She was glad he had spoken it, it seemed to dispel any shadow of doubt about whether he had or not.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to spy.” She blushed, dropping her gaze. “I mean, well, I did mean to spy. But none of that was supposed to happen.”

“None of what?”

“You know,” she said. “That our Patronus’ are so similar, that you saw me, that…well, everything.”

James smiled, flicking his own wand into the air and catching it again. He didn’t speak, so Lily glanced up sharply.

“Do you know if it means anything? That yours is a stag and mine’s a doe?”

“I didn’t,” James said. “But I asked Professor Merrythought.”

He went silent again, so Lily prodded.

“And?”

He stopped throwing his wand and looked at her seriously.

“You know, it doesn’t really matter, so why don’t we—”

Lily’s glare made him clamp his mouth shut. “What are you not telling me?”

James ran a hand through his hair, his eyes darting away. “We can just drop it, it’s probably nothing.”

“What’s probably nothing?”

Her green gaze pierced him. 

“James?”

He didn’t answer right away, but pointed his wand and whispered. His stag burst from its tip, shaking its head and trotting a few steps away. It turned and looked at them intently. Without fully meaning to, Lily repeated the spell herself, and her doe joined his. The stood side by side, glimmering in the evening air.

“I can’t tell you,” he finally whispered. “It’s not that I don’t want to, but—you’ll hate me.”

“I won’t,” she insisted fiercely. 

“You will,” he nodded. “You won’t mean to, but you will. You won’t talk to me, you’ll avoid me in the halls, and you’ll hate me.” He looked at her. “And I know why.”

“Why?”

“Because you hate it when people know something before you, and you hate it when you’re told to do something.”

“I’ll ask the Professor. You can’t stop me.”

He turned to her, his eyes aching. “No,” he admitted. 

They were silent for a while—James wouldn’t look at her, his gaze remains fixed halfway down to his shoes.

Finally he turned, his eyes flickering to the spot where their Patronus’ stand. When he spoke his voice was husky and nervous, nothing like the James Lily knew.

“The Professor told me that the form of your Patronus depends on the memory you used to generate it.”

He paused, and Lily glanced at him.

“Was yours always a stag?” she asked.

“Since the first day.”

“Keep talking.” It sounds like an order, but Lily hoped that he would hear the request in her voice. She was almost pleading with him to explain, yet she didn’t want to know. James screwed his eyes up, turning away again.

“She told me that a Patronus can change to take the form of—” he paused, then finished all in a rush—“ofthepersonyouloveaboveanyoneelse.”

There was an awkward silence.

“But I don’t love you,” Lily stammered.

“I know.”

“So why—?”

“I’m not sure.”

She nodded, and the moment stretched. James broke it.

“Shall we forget about this?”

“Might as well.”

Lily nodded, looking down at her wand. She glanced up to see James looking at her. They both quickly turn away, flushing.

“Well…” James took a step away.

“Yeah,” Lily moved in the opposite direction.

“I’ll see you—” his hand waved vaguely in the air.

“Around,” Lily finished. “Sure.”

“Um, bye then.”

“Bye.”

They both stood still for a moment longer, looking at each other, and then hurriedly broke apart and left in different directions.