a marvel

sometimes the most profound of truths come to us when we didn’t realize how desperately we need to hear them

that’s what happened to me on the first day in February—a snowy, blustery kind of day that made you wonder if you really were alone.

that week i had felt lost.

like something was missing.

like maybe i was missing.

i needed to talk to God

but, you see, i didn’t know what to say

not only did i not know how to say it, or why i needed to say it, but i couldn’t begin with nothing

when you’re feeling this way, what’s going to give you the courage to walk into a snowy landscape without words and confront the greatest thing in the universe?

but i went.

and things just seemed to spill out of me (besides just tears)

things i didn’t even know i had thought

things i didn’t even know were stuck inside of me

so there i was, ankle-deep in snow, little bullets still flying from the sky

and the sky itself?

it was grey

hidden, tucked away, refusing to let anyone see in

or out

and i felt more alone than ever

so i turned to go home, wiping a frozen tear from my cheek

and i saw it

a rip

a gash in those grey clouds

and light was just pouring out

pouring out and onto me

and i could see the sun

and i could hear my Father

and He was saying, 

“little girl, little girl whom I love with all My heart, just look up. turn around, turn to Me. don’t hide away, come. how could you see this when your view was obstructed by a ceiling? I am here. I always was.”

and i cried.

i thought, 

“how can You love a stupid girl with her head in the clouds, stubbornly refusing to look up, continually screaming out ‘where are You?”

and that light stayed with me all the way home, like it was guiding me

but something stuck in my heart

it shouldn’t matter to our Heavenly God what one small girl amongst thousands of other great men and women all throughout history thinks of Him

yet it does

it matters that my heart belongs to Him

it matters that i call Him ‘Father’

it matters that on a cold February afternoon, a little girl called out “where are you?”

He heard me

and He answered me

He said, “I am here. I always have been, and I always will be.”

because when i call Him ‘Father’, that makes Him smile

when i marvel at something He has created, that brings a light into His eyes

it matters

i matter

you matter

He reigns over all heaven and earth

He has billions of people to watch over

He cares for the stars and the animals and each breath of wind or rain or snow that blows somewhere 

He holds all of that in His hands

He is infinite

He is everywhere

yet He heard

and He answered

and He loves.

~soleil