fantastic things about fantastic beasts: a rant

hi, here is an apology for not posting in a lifetime

hello dear reader, i apologize for not posting in a lifetime and hope to never do it again. please have patience with me as i battle with my brain for inspiration. thank you and have a  great day!

apology over.

alright. this post is late. really late. this movie came out on November 18, 2016. This is being posted on July 25, 2017.
you do the math.
but better late than never, right?
shall we proceed?

fantastic things about fantastic beasts: a rant

1 - the whole wizarding-world-1920-ny-vibes gives me life

2 -“just a smidge” whO HONESTLY SAYS SMIDGE ANYMORE IT BREAKS MY HEART WITH ITS CLASSINESS BRITS ARE ANGELS

3 -when newt first bumps into tina without knowing who she is AND SHE IS LITERALLY JUST STUFFING A HOTDOG INTO HER MOUTH LIKE YOU GO GIRL, YOU EAT THAT HOT DIGGITY DOG

4 -this spell though, it would be so useful, i must have

5 -every. single. moment. of newt’s mating dance.

6- newt referring to himself as mummy 

7 - jacob is such a magic-newb but it’s so great. like, “sure, i love house-elves, my uncle’s a 

house-elf” what a FAIL 

8 - also if you think too hard about porpentina esther goldstein you can probably hear my heart cracking already because just THINK. she lost both her parents at a vv young age, grew up with queenie as the only other person in her life, lost her job at macusa, then suddenly she’s met this awkwardly charming young man with an infatuation for animals and she’s found someone to trust for the first time in forever and he’s going to leave to write a stupid book but he promises to come back and give her a copy and look at that smile someone’s in love

9 - newt is honestly the purest chum this world has ever seen, and it’s his turn for a mini-rant. we’re talking about the newt with social anxiety but who is still seen as the hero. the newt who struggles with looking people in the eye, who thinks he’s annoying. the newt who became a surrogate mother to the occamys. the newt who cares so much for all his creatures and takes the time to name them all and build connections with every single one. also the newt who lives in the shadow of his older brother and who was prolly hagrid's hero in his day. the newt who never fit in, who made and lost only one friend at school, who stutters under pressure. the newt who prolly thinks it’s his fault that that girl died, and who prolly will blame himself for credence in the next film. the newt who cried when jacob left because he made another friend and he was losing him as well. and i’m sorry but i have a lot of feelings about newt, okay? and i’m very bad at dealing with things so here is a dump of words.

10 - alright can we rant about queenie for a second. you first see her and you think she’s all fluttery and a stereotypical girly girl with the blond+pink+flirty, but then she totally proves you wrong and she’s clever and resourceful and nurturing and prolly doesn’t use her mind-reading power all the time because she can read people without it. but she is also as feminine as you can get it. and i love it, because those qualities are often considered weak, especially with the feminist agenda going on. but no, her womanhood never portrays her as weak or flimsy or juvenile. she’s strong, and she’s feminine, and those two things can go together. alright, rant over.

11 - jacob koswalski. just. jacob-cinnamon roll-koswalski. he’s a war vetran, do you realize what he must have been through?? but he’s still so trusting and likeable and chill. he is literally all of us, his reaction to the wizarding world is so relatable. also his dream is to literally open a bakery and make people happy oh my heart :’)

12 -and we can all agree that the humans in this film are the greatest but caN WE JUST TALK ABOUT THE ANIMALS FOR A SECOND

13 - THE NIFFLER 

14  -PICKETT

15 - THIS I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT’S CALLED BUT PET GOALS AMIRIGHT

16 - also backstory for the goldsteins, please

17 - that casual remark of “no, not really. i annoy people” hurts so bad my poor child

18  - jacob + newt = friendship goals for real though

19 -basically the wand-in-mouth thing broke us all

20 -that scene where newt is being arrested and his suitcase is taken away and you can see his heart breaking because he doesn’t try to prove his innocence (even though he totally is in the right) but all he cares about is protecting his creatures, and he’s begging macusa not to hurt them, that they’re not dangerous, they’re not dangerous, and omw i die

21 - okay also backstory is vv important and i received none of it and what is this. like, we heard about newt’s older brother who was a war hero or whatever and do you know how that must have affected newt?? the shy lil bro is constantly shadowed by the charming old bro OH THE PAIN

22 - that grin though

23 -newt classing himself up and jacob looking on in jealously 

24 - also sister goals

25  - and can we talk for a minute about tina’s super practical ‘jamas and queenie's super not-practical ones? CHARACTER REFLECTION (this is me and my sister to a t)

26 - newt being uber chill about tina handling his children and her being super careful not to hurt them

27 - newt’s ‘oh no not again are you kidding me’ face with the niffler makes you realize that yes, this has happened before

28 -also this face

29 - queenie and ‘honey’ (no but she actually calls him honey the cuteness ahh) they are just 

so pure

30- it just gets me how both newt and tina have been through so much suffering and they understand pain and you can see it all over their faces through a lot of the film (shucks, newt cries at least three times) but yet they can still have so much happiness and when they smile it’s just wow

31 -also that ending scene ripped out my heart and shattered it into a million piece and sO MUCH TENSION I WAS DYING. actually though, every atom of my being was screaming at them to kiss and then they didn’t and i was half-proud, half-destroyed, and mostly dead because just imagine their character development in the next four movies and one day my kiss will happen just you wait !!

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and now we’re done but i have one more piece of advice for y’all

go forth and find you a boy with curly hair that falls over his eyes

find you a boy with a shy smile and a clumsy walk

find you a boy that loves animals

find you a boy who accidentally looses said animals, causing mass destruction through new york but love him anyways

find you a newt scamander

alright have a great day bye

~soleil